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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

13 On-Screen Matriarchs

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, The Lochness Monster... these creatures are bland and unimaginative compared to that mysterious creature we've all come to know the moment we aren't in utero, held by our ankles and spanked like a fraternity initiate... our mothers. These lactating bipeds, who are also called "mama"s or "mom"s, have built-in inflatable incubators that allow us to grow from seed to weird black and white shapes on an ultrasound. Their mystery lies, based on initial studies, on their volatile and unpredicatable nature. Offspring, the author included, both adore the ground their mothers walk on AND simultaneously blame her for most of the things happening in one's life.

Studies have always been inconclusive... the species evolves quite rapidly and has undergone incalculable metamorphoses that candidates in random samplings are often too different from each other.

However, several common traits have proven useful in our studies:

Test Subject 01: Lois Wilkerson
Known Aliases: Jane Kaczmarek
Last Seen: Malcolm in the Middle

Every mom seems to have tendencies to control offspring via manipulation and will almost always win every single argument with either of the following:
1. cunning and inconspicuous reverse psychology
2. bargaining or blackmail
3. a cold shoulder
4. temporary sweetness and concern
5. sheer brute force
6. a threat to destroy the TV with a baseball bat

Test Subject 02: Lorelai Gilmore
Known Aliases: Lauren Graham
Last Seen: Gilmore Girls

Every mom's survival is dependent on coffee. It has also been found out that mom's are capable of amazing repartee but is totally relient on the speaking companion and/or the skills of a certain Amy-Sherman Palladino. It is interesting to note that mothers share the same volatile relationship with their own mothers, known to offspring as "grandmother". They tend to regress to their rebellious and snappy nature when confronted by grandmothers. Ironically, most grandmother-grandchildren relationships are normal, in most cases even loving. Ergo, normal blood relations skip a generation.

Test Subject 03: Marge Simpson (nee Bouvier)
Known Aliases: Julie Kavner
Last Seen: The Simpsons

Every mom has perfected the art of nagging. They can control the amount of nagging they emit. It can be a simple but extremely difficult to master hoarse "mmmm" or an all out list of things you should do and when you should have done it. Most moms, when they reach a certain age, grab the blue dye. Mrs. Simpson has survived an adulthood wearing the same green dress and red faux pearl necklace.

Test Subject 04: Kitty Forman
Known Aliases: Debra Jo Rupp
Last Seen: That 70's Show

Every mom has the need to nurture. Most mothers dread the day when their offspring "leave the nest". Ironically, it is sometimes that overnurturing which hastens the coming of that day... and has mentally linked mothering with smothering. Some moms are skilled at faking cheerfulness and are skilled in appeasing the oddest and most awkward of situations, often done with a perky laugh. Also, it has been found out that most moms regret a hairdo they had in an earlier time of their life.

Test Subject 05: Catherine Willows
Known Aliases: Muggs, Marg Helgenberger
Last Seen: CSI

Every mom feels like they don't know their offpsring when they reach that hair-growing-in-the-neither-regions, hormonal stage of life known as "teenhood". Reactions of mom's with the discovery of "relics of growing up" (i.e. cigarettes, condoms, pornography) vary widely from denial to confrontation. Mothers are amazingly resilient creatures. They can juggle raising a child, dating, and catching serial killers... and still having shiny, bouncy Vidal Sassoon hair. It might be extremely difficult for children who have walking lie detectors for moms.

Test Subject 06: Niki Sanders
Known Aliases: Jessica Sanders, Ali Larter
Last Seen: Heroes

Every mom has a violent split personality with freakish strength... especially when it comes to their child's well being. The instinct to protect their offspring is a trait etched in every mother's genetic make-up (Well unless you're a gerbil or a prairie dog) In a save-the-world scenario, this maternal instinct is admirable, even heroic, but on a normal day, offspring find maternal overprotection suffocating. Some moms are often seen chasing a playing toddler with a towelette in one hand and baby powder and hand sanitizer in the other. A little bacteria is actually good for kids.

Test Subject 07: Ruth Fisher
Known Aliases: Frances Conroy
Last Seen: Six Feet Under (ok, that came out a little morbid)

Every mom can bottle emotions, complete with a cork, a dainty adhesive label and a note saying "Do Not Touch" in cursive letters. During instances when these bottles are opened (read: alcohol) mothers are actually relatable and are capable of having fun and letting their hair down from the perpetual bun. Mothers are also extremely finicky when it comes to their children's (especially son's) potential mates. They have an invisible list of prerequisites which they mentally edit to include every potential mates' weaknesses.

Test Subject 08: Miranda Hobbes
Known Aliases: Cynthia Nixon
Last Seen: Sex and the City

Every mom can have the most amazing Irish red hair "given the right stylist". Most moms do not plan pregnancies and can get knocked up under the most inconvenient and improbable of circumstances (her partner had only one testes and she had a lazy ovary) Again, I point put the resilience of mothers. They can adapt to new life-changing situations and still have time to drink a couple of Cosmopolitans and sing "The Way We Were" with girlfriends in a chic bar. Single moms have an inclination to cynicism and a tendency for misandry.

Test Subject 09: Nancy Botwin
Known Aliases: Mary-Louise Parker (absolutely love her)
Last Seen: Weeds

Every mom has a secret garden of marijuana. Whether they deal or not is variable. (I have yet to watch episodes of the show aside from the pilot... My friendly neighborhood Jack Sparrows have given me, again, the quizzical looks when I ask for it... and I can't find torrents, why are most interesting shows hard to acquire? Have you seen Spiderman 3? It was hilarious when it didn't mean to be and corn ball when it did! You just wanna give MJ antidepressants and Tobey was just downright irritating, plus... Why did the butler wait til part 3 to tell his story? Ridiculous! There, I filled up the space... tee hee )

Test Subject 10: Carol Brady
Known Aliases: Florence Henderson
Last Seen: The Brady Bunch

Here's the story of a lovely lady, Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, The youngest one in curls.

Here's the story, of a man named Brady, Who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men, living all together, Yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow, And they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That this group would somehow form a family. That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.

Every mom can, every once in a while, make me vomit in my mouth.

Test Subject 11: Laura Bennett
Known Aliases: "The Ice Queen"
Last Seen: Project Runway 3

Every mom, even after the 1950's, can bear a sixth child. I was partial to her in the last season mainly because of her degree in Architecture (you get to see very few architects on TV, well outside of the Discovery Channel) Most moms, especially when talking to their spouses and/or children, can be brutally frank to the point of insensitivity. It must be real nifty to have a mom who can tailor clothes to your specifications. Every mom can get away with describing something as "serious ugly".

Test Subject 12: Irina Derevko
Known Aliases: Laura Bristow, The Man, Lena Olin
Last Seen: Alias

Every mom has hired a hitman to kill her offspring... well maybe at least in her thoughts when all her kid does is whine and complain and blame everything, even typhoons, on her. Irina is the quintessential example of the undecipherable mother. She can plant verbal landmines to catch you off guard. She can manipulate you into doing for your own good. She can withhold information from you if she thinks you're not ready to handle it. One just can't get what she is thinking of. Every mom used to be a spy for the KGB, but only few have trusting relationships with their offspring and even fewer can pull off a black tank top.

Test Subject 13: Piper Halliwell
Known Aliases: Holly Marie Combs
Last Seen: Charmed

Every mom can freeze time. Mothers can perpetually view their offspring as milk-bottle-wielding, diaper-pooping children, and they have the embarassing albums to remind you (and your guests) They also have a remarkable mental history of time... like the time you first came home drunk, or the time you cried during your first day of school, or the time when you forgot her birthday, etc etc. Every mom can also cast a lovespell on her children, making them utterly enamored by her and extremely guilty the moment they sass. The good thing about that spell is it works vice versa.

Happy Mothers' Day
to my mom who I love and absolutely adore.
and to all moms in the entire known universe.

Oh, and elections are tomorrow... Just remember everything your mom taught you when you pick which names to write down.


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posted by Alternati, 2:14 AM

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