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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

Moving Day

Monday, December 10, 2007





I broke my piggy bank and bought virtual estate.







I am now at:

alternatii.com










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golB eht dniheB ecaF

Saturday, August 25, 2007



The fabulous cheH tagged me with a... (drum roll please...)





Face Behind the blog meme.
Putting a face to the name of someone you haven’t met helps recognition and adds a more personal feel to your conversations.
What photograph shows you in a light we don’t often see through your blog?

I thought of a whole autobiographical account (in pictures) about me... but decided otherwise. (That would be a freakishly long post) So I settled with this one particular yellowish photo.


Look at me trying out for Baywatch. (I can't swim) I miss the good ole days when I can get away with a sando (tank top)... and when baby oil was used instead of sun block (ouch!) and by this I mean, that youthful notion of invincibility. I miss that...

We don't have beaches where I live. We have beeches (oooh, how original... a play on words). We actually have pine trees here in Baguio. Beeches just sounded (while I was typing it) wittier. I would have done the other homonym but I can't claim that my city is in any way special with regard the female dog populace. Anyhoo...

The salty scent of a nearby beach can send tingles up the spine of anyone who has spent most of hisher life on a plateau and whose regular notion of "a lot of water" is the Santo Tomas reservoir. The sight of the sky blue on teal horizon line never fails to take my breath away (Just ignore the canoodling couple in the background of this particular photograph) The rhythmic sound of crashing waves is as foreign a sound to a Baguio citizen as the sneeze of an Emperor Penguin is to an outback aborigine.

The largest amount of sand one sees in Baguio would be a 3 foot hill of gray sand outside a house being constructed. Enough to bury someone totally... but not enough to play beach volleyball on.
I love the beach. The sight, the smell, the sound and the feel of it all. (I'll add taste in this statement if and when I find myself crazy enough to taste sand)


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I am tagging anyone who
a. reads this, and
b. hasn't done this yet.

(And by that, I mean you... I have a counter that records IP addresses so you better do it... or else, you'll find me sometime next week knocking on your door with a shovel and a bucket of sand)

Check David Airey's blog for details.


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Link-o-Rama











































Steve at Ramblings from the Marginalized










































Chase at Queer Chef
Hanne at Lucid Unreality
Jill at Gelb9
Tish at The Kat House
Jessica at Life is RANTastic!
Logtar at Logtar’s Blog
Julie at TeacherJulie.com
Wilson at Get it Funk
Sue at Life in the Urban Zoo
Isabelle at Tricotine

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Read! Read! Read!

Monday, August 13, 2007



(lashing a whip simultaneously)

After being tormented by a friend of mine, who saw the movie several days before I did, with chants of "spider pig, spider pig...", I did what any self respecting Simpson fan would do... I saw the movie the moment free time peeked its elusive head.

Nome and a dooohme, a scissor lift and cocoa, the actual geographic location of Springfield, Homer finally overcoming that canyon...
I was thoroughly satiated by the movie. *sigh*


-----------


It's only proper to do a Simpsons 13th list. Here are...

13 Simpsonized Celebrities
(and then some...)

The first celebrity to ever be credited "himself" in the show was Tony "I Left my Heart in San Francisco" Bennett. I couldn't find a yellowed image of him online... so I picked these guys instead.

George Bush Senior
- Ex- president / Dubya's Dad
- Mr. Wilson to Bart the Menace
- Special appearances too by Barbara Bush, Gerald Ford and Mikhail Gorbachev (and his red forehead mark too)

"Don't understand lemonade myself... not my forte"


EDIT: Bush Sr. didn't actually "guest" in the show...





Ok, The Real List....

Simon Cowell
(Smart and Smarter)

Lisa: So, Maggie's not a genius?
Cowell: She could be, at sweeping up hair.
Homer gets angry.
Homer: That's my baby jerk.
Homer punches Simon.
Cowell: Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it. But it was like so what!
Homer punches him again.
Cowell: Ooh! Again with the nose. I have a chin you know.



Scully and Mulder
(The Springfield Files)

(Mulder and Scully watch Homer jogging on a treadmill)
Mulder: Wait a minute Scully, what's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic!
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.



Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
(How I Spent my Strummer Vacation)

Mick Jagger: Welcome to Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp, where you'll experience the complete rock n' roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STDs.
Homer: Wooo! STDs!



British Royalty and that Guy from Joe Millionaire
L to R: Queen Elizabeth II (not herself, duh), J.K. Rowling, Tony Blair,
Evan Marriott (Joe Millionaire), Sir Ian Mckellen, Edwina (Jane Leeves)
(The Regina Monologues)

Lisa: Look! It's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books! You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
Rowling: Thank you, young muggle.
Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
Rowling: He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa: Yes…



The Smashing Pumpkins
(Homerpalooza)

Corgan: Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely



Stephen Hawking
(They Saved Lisa's Brain)

Hawking: Your theory of a donut shaped universe is intriguing Homer, I may have to steal it.
Homer: Wow, I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.



Barry White
(Whacking Day)

White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.



Paul and Linda McCartney
(Lisa the Vegetarian)

Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.
Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese.
Apu: Oh, cheese!
Lisa: You don't eat cheese, Apu?
Apu: No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
Lisa: Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster!
Apu: Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".
Paul: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".
Apu: Well, whatever, whatever. it had a good rhythm.



Tony Hawk
(Barting Over)

Hawk: Homer, you're heading for parental face plant! Do a 180 emotional ollie.
Homer: Finally, someone explains it to me in words I can understand!


Bob Hope
(Lisa the Beauty Queen)

Hope: (Entertaining troops) Hi I'm Bob "what the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, this mayor Quimby, he's some golfer. His ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

(P.S. I don't get the joke either...)



Metallica
(The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and her Homer)

(On the way to school, Otto stops the bus and offers Metallica a ride; their tour bus has broken down.)

Otto: So what are you waiting for? Hop in.
James Hetfield: (Chuckles) Hop in what?
(The school bus peels away with Bart at the wheel.)
Bart: Look at me, I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus!
Otto: Oh, man. Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.
(Hans Moleman slowly drives by in a pickup truck, with Metallica and their gear in the bed of the truck.)
Kirk Hammett: Hey, loser, we got a ride from a real fan!
Hans Moleman: I used to sleep with Lars' grandmother.
Robert Trujillo: Never listen to our music again!
(Hans Moleman pulls away as Metallica plays an instrumental from the song, "Master of Puppets.")



Leonard Nimoy
(Marge vs. The Monorail)

Leonard Nimoy: (appraising the monorail) I'd say this vessel could do at least warp 5.
Mayor Quimby: Yes, and may I say, "May the Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: annoyed) Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Aren't you one of the Little Rascals?



Green Day
(The Simpsons Movie)

Billie Joe Armstrong: We've been playing for three and a half hours, and now we'd like to take a minute of you time to say something about the environment.
(The Springfieldians start booing & throwing garbage)

(And then the stage is upended... sinks... and Green Day does that Titanic violin thing.... hilarious!!!)


------------


Honorable Mentions
Let's see how many you can recognize...



Left to right, top to bottom:
Conan O'Brien, The White Stripes, Alex Trebek, Bette Midler,
Luke Perry, Michell Kwan, Magic Johnson, U2,
Aerosmith, Kid Rock, N'sync, Elton John,
Yao Ming, Alec Baldwin, Barney, Richard Gere,
Venus and Serena Williams, Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras, Britney Spears, Big Bird,
The Ramones, Tom Jones, Tito Puente, Peter Frampton,
Kim Basinger, Andy Dick, James Brown, Spinal Tap,
Cypress Hill, Mel Gibson, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gerald Ford,
Jason Bateman, Lucy Lawless (Xena), Ron Howard, REM,
Ricky Gervais, The Who, The Grouch, Matt Groening.



That was fun, no? Here's another one... Trying naming the album covers The Simpsons parodied.













Left: Nevermind (Nirvana)
Middle: Born in the USA (Bruce Springsteen)
Right: Abbey Road (The Beatles)




-------------


I dunno which confirmed guest appearance I'm more anxious to see... Amy Winehouse or Jon Stewart. Predicament... predicament...










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Escapism

Wednesday, August 08, 2007




Michael Scofield had to spend months studying and researching every single thing between a screw he can use as an Allen wrench to D.B. Cooper, had to tattoo about 50 percent of his body with things as vital as structural plans of Fox River Penitentiary to a thanks-for-tattooing-the-obvious "Christ in a Rose" (alluding to Christina Rose, his mom's and boat's names... Does one really need a tattoo to remember a huge boat christened with your mom's name?) Anyhoo... He also mastered folding paper cranes. He did this all to escape from one prison... and eventually end up in another one.

(Post-Spoiler Alert)

My mode of escape is far less taxing, not to mention friendlier (and non-permanent) to the skin. These are all I need...


---------

After catching an inch thick layer of dust on my movie backlog shelf, I finally got to see Pan's Labyrinth. It is, visually, a very beautiful film. It shows the whimsical world of Princess Moanna filled with faeries and magical chalk... but also, doesn't shy away from showing the terrifying world of fascist Spain filled with death, torture and a sliced mouth.


I always enjoy a well made film with not so well known actors. The absence of top-billed celebrities almost always lets the story and the craft stand out. A delight... as opposed to a mental montage of previous astounding roles flashing through one's head while watching a well known actor crash and burn, one suffers through in most well publicized films.


There is much to be said about fantasy literature... and conversely fantasy films. The transient escape they offer, no matter how bizarre to students of cynicism, is priceless.

Legendary authors like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis wrote escapist literature to the nth degree. Although probably not intentional, it seems they designed alternate realities to the Second World War. The fantasy worlds may have elves, dwarves, centaurs and a magical lamp post... but the terrors of war and death are real and wholly prevalent, but with a inkling that in the end, goodness will prevail.


Both put the fate of the world in the hands of seemingly atypical characters. Atypical in the sense that they are not a ripped Hercules or an Excalibur wielding King Arthur. Hobbits and children are the primary heroes in these tales... an empowering idea that anyone with a courageous heart can be epic worthy. They (as said poignantly by Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire) rely on the kindness of strangers. A faun with a red scarf, an emaciated hobbit with multiple personalites, talking beavers, talking trees... And they are under the guidance of someone "enlightened" in the Dalai Lama sense of the word... a white wizard and a lion with a soothing voice.


They wage war against the most Goliath-esque of enemies with legions of ferocious pawns. Sauron with his Nazgul, orcs and Uruk-hai... Jadis with her wolves, dwarves and minotaurs.

Contemporary works follow a similar trend. J.K. Rowling, especially so in her final books, had less than subtle metaphors about terrorism guised as deatheaters and dementors.


Even the Wachowski brother's Matrix Trilogy, has the elements of unlikely heroes and impossible enemies (not to mention insanely chic eyewear)


Escapism is underrated. Many brush it off as works of whimsy made by wishful authors or brothers on pot. Attempts at belittling reality. To the contrary, I believe these books and films capture the essence of the times they were made more than history books and CNN specials. The characters are ironically made more relateable (yes, even with hobbit feet and wands), the emotions on war more authentic. (yes, even with the dramatic speeches before engaging in battle) It captures the pre-war anxiety, the terrors of war, and the post-war oxymoron of, for lack of a better term, a bitter sweet ending.

(Ok, even I puked a little in my mouth with all this sentimentality)

Tolkien said it best...
"Escapism (has) an element of emancipation in its attempt to figure a different reality"



It's kinda like bad news broken gently during bedtime.












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Paper

Thursday, July 26, 2007



What do writer George Bernard Shaw, rock legend Mick "Lips" Jagger, and actors Kevin Spacey, Drew Barrymore, Helen Mirren, Jeremy Piven and Kate Beckinsale have in common?

They share my little ole blog's birthday.


Ok, I totally borrowed the first anniversary paper gift from wedding anniversaries... but humor me for a bit. Instead of giving me a "Happy Blogging Anniversary" comment on my comment box, How about giving me any of the following paper goodies as an anniversary gift... eh?


The World's Largest Paper Airplane
Ok, scratch this one... First of all, where will I put it... and second, it's made of steel and fiberglass, not really true to the whole "paper" theme.

Dillon Works, Inc.


A Lifetime Subscription of The New Yorker!
... plus all back issues since 1925! Yey! You will get me this? really? Shucks!

The New Yorker


Shoji Doors
I've always wanted a Japanese styled bedroom with dramatic lighting from translucent rice paper. It's like waking up to an Akira Kurosawa film every single day.


But for my room's night illumination, I'll need...

A Frank Gehry Cloud Lamp
He's the infamous deconstructivist architect of The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao and the Walt Disney Concert Hall in LA. He makes amazing lamps too!

www.bonluxat.com

or

An Ogetti Onesti Lamp
This geodesic paper cup lamp (yes... paper cups and held with paper clips methinks) puts tasteful recycled art to a whole new level.

www.tim-power.com


A Peter Callesen Piece
This piece is Impenetrable Castle from the A4 papercut collection. It's amazing what he can do with something as mundane as A4 coupon bond paper. The paper remains whole in a sense that the objects he creates remains attached to the paper and he doesn't use additional pieces of paper.

www.petercallesen.com


An Ingrid Siliakus Piece
The female artist creates mobiles, framed pieces and installations from paper. This one is called "Innerrings". Great conversation piece, don't cha think?

ingrid-siliakus.exto.nl


A Souper Dress!
Hanging a Paper Campbell Soup dress in your room is as good as hanging the original one made by pop art icon Andy Warhol.



Or you can always just give me...

A Paper Crane!
Not just any paper crane mind you, I want the actual ones Michael Scofield used in Prison Break. And watching CSI has taught me a thing or two about fingerprints and epithelials so don't bother with a replica...

by: Smart J


The Dead Sea Scrolls!

My reasons are monetary... mwahahaha...



Shakespeare's First Folio!
Reading Shakespeare is one thing... Reading Shakespeare and knowing the original copy of Comedies, Histories and Tragedies you're holding is worth $5.1 million is another.



A Marauder's Map!

Although I would want my version to show the entire planet. It's like GPS, without a satellite and all the fancy electronics. (The Seventh HP book was great, no?)


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If you manage to give me any of the previous items, I will not only thank you profusely but I will most probably do an Anchorman Jump!






My blog is growing up so fast... *sob*






P.S. It is also the birthday of CheH, our moderately confused Pinay from Deutschland, this week. Happy Birthday CheH!




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Dental Black?

Saturday, July 21, 2007



I spent about an hour in front of my computer thinking of something... anything... to blog about. A blogging dry spell. Everything I started only lasted a couple of sentences before the backspace button got a "woodpeckering" from my index finger. So, instead of forcing an entry out of my head, I spent two hours making the images that follow.

Why induce a migraine squeezing out a blog idea when one can play...


Wheel...

of...

Blogging Ideas!!!




Pat Sajak: Good Evening everyone! Our defending champion blogger struggling with something to blog about is here tonight hoping to eke an entry. Alternati, please spin the wheel.

Alternati: Thanks Pat. (Bends down and spins the wheel anxiously)... Big money! (clap clap clap)

PS: Watch out for the "Hiatus"...

PS: Quite an icebreaker... Alternati, Weather?

A: The weather here in Baguio has been extraordinarily erratic. An indecisive La Nina is upon us. Mornings are usually bright and sunny... the sun can practically drag any nocturnal out of bed. Noons are excruciatingly hot. By 3 pm, like clockwork, the sky turns gray in a matter of minutes. Fog = Zero visibility, Rain = Zero dry spots on your pants. Mother Nature has gone psychotic.

PS: Indeed she has. Spin it again... (motioning to the wheel)

A: Duh... (gives the wheel a small nudge while muttering "Do I look retarded")

PS: Movies!

A: Thanks Pat, I can read... I did a Woody Allen marathon yesternight.

Appetizer: Play It Again, Sam
A movie inspired by Casablanca. I loved it when Allan Felix (Allen's character) talks to an imaginary Bogart.

Main Course: Manhattan
Every single frame of this movie is art. I have a thing for black and white movies.

Dessert: Mighty Aphrodite
(A rewatch) This one is inspired by the story of Oedipus. One of my favorite elements in this movie is the Greek chorus that does lines between chapters.

Woody Allen's movies never fail to inspire me. The typical themes of insecurity, marriage, divorce and failure are divulged in witty screenplays dripping with subtle humor and in many cases a tablespoon of Diane Keaton.


PS: I guess Mighty Aphrodite was autobiographical, no?

A: Really? ~Oh Pray, do tell~...

PS: You mentioned Oedipus. Wasn't he the Greek character who killed his dad and married his mom?

A: Yeah... (rolling eyes)

PS: Woody Allen and Mia Farrow were an item who adopted Soon-yi. And except for the killing part, Soon-yi did marry Allen... a 35 year age difference...

A: Can I just spin the wheel now?

A: I just started reading a Woody Allen biography I bought from a thrift book store months ago. This one was written by Eric Lax and published in 1992.

PS: Do you have a thing for ancient directors with receding hairlines and thick glasses?

A: Maybe... (gnarling at the emcee)

PS: On that note! A word from our sponsors...



PS: Hahaha! The bunny and the... were... Hahaha...

A: Oh grow up Pat.

PS: Touchy. touchy. *ahem* Please, spin the wheel.

PS: I bet you wouldn't have a hard time with this one huh Alternati?

A: (throws tacky name tag at the emcee)
The wheel disparages me.

PS: Care to elaborate?

A: (creates an "L" with thumb and index finger and places it on forehead)
Care to elaborate? (mocking the emcee's voice)

PS: Nice... very mature. Just spin the wheel.

PS: ... and spin it again...

A: Since we've become such ~Greeaaattt~ friends Pat, can I give a shout out first?

PS: If it can thaw your iciness... go right ahead.

A: (Looks directly at camera 2) Thanks Chase! I just got the snus. I really appreciate it. (Smiles and waves at the camera hoping this show is aired in Bergen)

PS: Awwwww... You are capable of sentiment.

A: I am equally capable of homicide (giving the emcee an icy stare)

PS: Brrrrrrr... Spin the wheel Jadis.

A: A Narnia reference... you are capable of literacy (reaching down to spin the wheel)

PS: Brace yourself audience, (mock whispering) This one can make your ears bleed with talk of TV.

**Recorded audience laughter**

A: (mock whispering) That one can make your ears bleed just by speaking.

**Crickets**

A: Anyhoo... I just started watching Brothers & Sisters and Weeds. And I am obsessing over them already. I'll save them for another post so I won't "bore" (making quotation marks with fingers) you guys.

PS: Awwwww... So considerate. A commercial break!

**Recorded audience applause**



PS: The ad was speaking to you Alternati.

A: Shut up and do what "emcees" (making quotation marks with fingers) are supposed to do.

PS: Welcome back to the Bonus Round! Our category for today... THING. We bring up our usual letters: R, S, T, L, N and E. And Alternati, give us three consonants.

A: C, B and P

PS: ... and one vowel..

A: I

PS: You have 15 seconds to solve the puzzle... go!


A: Pent...
Rent... Rental?
Genital... Genital Black?
Dent... Dental Black... Dental Block?

**Buzzer**

PS: Seriously?!

A: Bite Me...








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Moving Day
golB eht dniheB ecaF
Read! Read! Read!
Escapism
Paper
Dental Black?
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Baby Steps
Sweeping Virtual Cobwebs
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