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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

Paper

Thursday, July 26, 2007



What do writer George Bernard Shaw, rock legend Mick "Lips" Jagger, and actors Kevin Spacey, Drew Barrymore, Helen Mirren, Jeremy Piven and Kate Beckinsale have in common?

They share my little ole blog's birthday.


Ok, I totally borrowed the first anniversary paper gift from wedding anniversaries... but humor me for a bit. Instead of giving me a "Happy Blogging Anniversary" comment on my comment box, How about giving me any of the following paper goodies as an anniversary gift... eh?


The World's Largest Paper Airplane
Ok, scratch this one... First of all, where will I put it... and second, it's made of steel and fiberglass, not really true to the whole "paper" theme.

Dillon Works, Inc.


A Lifetime Subscription of The New Yorker!
... plus all back issues since 1925! Yey! You will get me this? really? Shucks!

The New Yorker


Shoji Doors
I've always wanted a Japanese styled bedroom with dramatic lighting from translucent rice paper. It's like waking up to an Akira Kurosawa film every single day.


But for my room's night illumination, I'll need...

A Frank Gehry Cloud Lamp
He's the infamous deconstructivist architect of The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao and the Walt Disney Concert Hall in LA. He makes amazing lamps too!

www.bonluxat.com

or

An Ogetti Onesti Lamp
This geodesic paper cup lamp (yes... paper cups and held with paper clips methinks) puts tasteful recycled art to a whole new level.

www.tim-power.com


A Peter Callesen Piece
This piece is Impenetrable Castle from the A4 papercut collection. It's amazing what he can do with something as mundane as A4 coupon bond paper. The paper remains whole in a sense that the objects he creates remains attached to the paper and he doesn't use additional pieces of paper.

www.petercallesen.com


An Ingrid Siliakus Piece
The female artist creates mobiles, framed pieces and installations from paper. This one is called "Innerrings". Great conversation piece, don't cha think?

ingrid-siliakus.exto.nl


A Souper Dress!
Hanging a Paper Campbell Soup dress in your room is as good as hanging the original one made by pop art icon Andy Warhol.



Or you can always just give me...

A Paper Crane!
Not just any paper crane mind you, I want the actual ones Michael Scofield used in Prison Break. And watching CSI has taught me a thing or two about fingerprints and epithelials so don't bother with a replica...

by: Smart J


The Dead Sea Scrolls!

My reasons are monetary... mwahahaha...



Shakespeare's First Folio!
Reading Shakespeare is one thing... Reading Shakespeare and knowing the original copy of Comedies, Histories and Tragedies you're holding is worth $5.1 million is another.



A Marauder's Map!

Although I would want my version to show the entire planet. It's like GPS, without a satellite and all the fancy electronics. (The Seventh HP book was great, no?)


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If you manage to give me any of the previous items, I will not only thank you profusely but I will most probably do an Anchorman Jump!






My blog is growing up so fast... *sob*






P.S. It is also the birthday of CheH, our moderately confused Pinay from Deutschland, this week. Happy Birthday CheH!




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Dental Black?

Saturday, July 21, 2007



I spent about an hour in front of my computer thinking of something... anything... to blog about. A blogging dry spell. Everything I started only lasted a couple of sentences before the backspace button got a "woodpeckering" from my index finger. So, instead of forcing an entry out of my head, I spent two hours making the images that follow.

Why induce a migraine squeezing out a blog idea when one can play...


Wheel...

of...

Blogging Ideas!!!




Pat Sajak: Good Evening everyone! Our defending champion blogger struggling with something to blog about is here tonight hoping to eke an entry. Alternati, please spin the wheel.

Alternati: Thanks Pat. (Bends down and spins the wheel anxiously)... Big money! (clap clap clap)

PS: Watch out for the "Hiatus"...

PS: Quite an icebreaker... Alternati, Weather?

A: The weather here in Baguio has been extraordinarily erratic. An indecisive La Nina is upon us. Mornings are usually bright and sunny... the sun can practically drag any nocturnal out of bed. Noons are excruciatingly hot. By 3 pm, like clockwork, the sky turns gray in a matter of minutes. Fog = Zero visibility, Rain = Zero dry spots on your pants. Mother Nature has gone psychotic.

PS: Indeed she has. Spin it again... (motioning to the wheel)

A: Duh... (gives the wheel a small nudge while muttering "Do I look retarded")

PS: Movies!

A: Thanks Pat, I can read... I did a Woody Allen marathon yesternight.

Appetizer: Play It Again, Sam
A movie inspired by Casablanca. I loved it when Allan Felix (Allen's character) talks to an imaginary Bogart.

Main Course: Manhattan
Every single frame of this movie is art. I have a thing for black and white movies.

Dessert: Mighty Aphrodite
(A rewatch) This one is inspired by the story of Oedipus. One of my favorite elements in this movie is the Greek chorus that does lines between chapters.

Woody Allen's movies never fail to inspire me. The typical themes of insecurity, marriage, divorce and failure are divulged in witty screenplays dripping with subtle humor and in many cases a tablespoon of Diane Keaton.


PS: I guess Mighty Aphrodite was autobiographical, no?

A: Really? ~Oh Pray, do tell~...

PS: You mentioned Oedipus. Wasn't he the Greek character who killed his dad and married his mom?

A: Yeah... (rolling eyes)

PS: Woody Allen and Mia Farrow were an item who adopted Soon-yi. And except for the killing part, Soon-yi did marry Allen... a 35 year age difference...

A: Can I just spin the wheel now?

A: I just started reading a Woody Allen biography I bought from a thrift book store months ago. This one was written by Eric Lax and published in 1992.

PS: Do you have a thing for ancient directors with receding hairlines and thick glasses?

A: Maybe... (gnarling at the emcee)

PS: On that note! A word from our sponsors...



PS: Hahaha! The bunny and the... were... Hahaha...

A: Oh grow up Pat.

PS: Touchy. touchy. *ahem* Please, spin the wheel.

PS: I bet you wouldn't have a hard time with this one huh Alternati?

A: (throws tacky name tag at the emcee)
The wheel disparages me.

PS: Care to elaborate?

A: (creates an "L" with thumb and index finger and places it on forehead)
Care to elaborate? (mocking the emcee's voice)

PS: Nice... very mature. Just spin the wheel.

PS: ... and spin it again...

A: Since we've become such ~Greeaaattt~ friends Pat, can I give a shout out first?

PS: If it can thaw your iciness... go right ahead.

A: (Looks directly at camera 2) Thanks Chase! I just got the snus. I really appreciate it. (Smiles and waves at the camera hoping this show is aired in Bergen)

PS: Awwwww... You are capable of sentiment.

A: I am equally capable of homicide (giving the emcee an icy stare)

PS: Brrrrrrr... Spin the wheel Jadis.

A: A Narnia reference... you are capable of literacy (reaching down to spin the wheel)

PS: Brace yourself audience, (mock whispering) This one can make your ears bleed with talk of TV.

**Recorded audience laughter**

A: (mock whispering) That one can make your ears bleed just by speaking.

**Crickets**

A: Anyhoo... I just started watching Brothers & Sisters and Weeds. And I am obsessing over them already. I'll save them for another post so I won't "bore" (making quotation marks with fingers) you guys.

PS: Awwwww... So considerate. A commercial break!

**Recorded audience applause**



PS: The ad was speaking to you Alternati.

A: Shut up and do what "emcees" (making quotation marks with fingers) are supposed to do.

PS: Welcome back to the Bonus Round! Our category for today... THING. We bring up our usual letters: R, S, T, L, N and E. And Alternati, give us three consonants.

A: C, B and P

PS: ... and one vowel..

A: I

PS: You have 15 seconds to solve the puzzle... go!


A: Pent...
Rent... Rental?
Genital... Genital Black?
Dent... Dental Black... Dental Block?

**Buzzer**

PS: Seriously?!

A: Bite Me...








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Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sunday, July 15, 2007



There is one mystery that is more interesting than UFOs and crop circles. One mystery that has puzzled mankind more than Stonehenge or the Pyramids of Giza. A single mystery that makes Bigfoot a pathetic fur ball, the Abominable Snowman a freezing fur ball, and the Bermuda Triangle a mere polygon. One unexplained phenomena that makes the question "What is the purpose of our existence?" seem trite...







Where do missing socks go?
(Sung ala the cocaine diva)

This enigma is the David Blaine of mysteries. Not that it supposedly lived in an igloo for a week, not that it was supposedly buried alive and not that it supposedly stood on some ginormous pillar for a couple of days. It's an in your face enigma unlike the David Copperfield (the magician) infamy of say the Loch Ness monster.
Art by: SamGaw



Abstract: No matter how cautious you are, a sock (or several socks) will, without an iota of doubt, get lost in laundry translation.

With 20-something years of experience and a handy Google toolbar, several theories have shed some light on the question.


ONE: The Sock Burglar
Not as infamous as the hamburglar. The actual reason for his going all Ocean's 11 12 13 on our socks remains as big a mystery as how and when he performs his "looting". Some say it's a compulsion, others say it's a creepy collection. However, several distinguished missing sock theorists have narrowed the sock thievery down to the possibility of a future human society with socks as currency.

Art by: Method from worth1000



TWO: The Sock Fairy
Not as infamous as the Tooth Fairy. Like the Tooth Fairy, the Sock Fairy enters human residences at night and collects socks... However, unlike the Tooth Fairy, the bastard is insanely cheap.
Art by: amazing cartoonist Chris Appelhans



THREE: Abduction
This is a theory I have been working on. With the recent astronomers' mutiny against Pluto, irate Plutonians have resorted to abducting socks by bulk, transporting them and affixing the knitted footwear to their planets with super glue in the vain hope that an increase in the mass of their "dwarf" planet can make astronomers reconsider their reinstitution into planethood.

Art by: Leanne Wildermuth



FOUR: The Borrowers
Mythical tiny people that borrow things from people. The extremely discreet race was first documented by Mary Norton. They probably use socks as sleeping bags or something.




FIVE: Puppethood
Lamb Chop inspired socks to go to Hollywood or run for office.

Art from: outsidecat



SIX: Washing Machine Vortex
With all that spinning inside the machine, some socks are bound to find a rip in the space-time continuum. Quantum Mechanics (*yawn*) has been used to explain the possibility of this phenomena. Read here (*yawn*) for more... including equations like:
Nt =N0*exp(-pt) (1)
(wtf?)





SEVEN: Evolution
Where is Darwin when I need him...

Photo from: tamara



EIGHT: Animation
"On the eight day, man created socks out of his own image and likeness..."

Art from: Laughing Squid



NINE: Backpacking
"... and once the socks had been given legs and a passport, they traveled to Paris, New York and the Bahamas"

Art by: jaymeekae from worth1000



TEN: Cannibalism
In 9 out of 10 documented cases, only one sock goes missing. Sociologists have often theorized that socks are cannibalistic by nature. In every sock pairing, one is considered "dominant". Ergo, while in a hamper or while spinning inside a dryer, the dominant sock devours it's partner similar to a praying mantis after mating.




ELEVEN: Evaporation
It is a little known fact that socks evaporate. And once every 3.1415 years, they come back in the form of precipitation.

Art by: Randy Glasbergen



TWELVE: Like Homework...
"My dog ate it"

Art from: HeatherPreuss



THIRTEEN: Private Investigation
Missing socks need to be found, and the sock community has long been fed up by the futility of the human race. They have decided to put matters into their own hands. The emergence of Sock P.I.'s like Terrence M. Cotton has brought renewed hope in finding the missing socks.

Art by: The Lady from Sockholm
(One of the funniest sock related sites I've seen)








"Never put a sock in a toaster."
- Eddie Izzard -




~FIN~










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Baby Steps

Tuesday, July 10, 2007



In an effort to gradually reintroduce blogging into my routine... I am taking it easy.

Step One: Answering a Meme.


15 of my Idiosyncrasies

I was tagged by Carey, a blogger with ideas in pink. "I" is easily the easiest topic to blog about. Baby steps... and it's fun to indulge every now and then (as wonderfully depicted by Michaelangelo) in a little...


1. I can't help myself from attaching images in my blog entries. (Case and point, Narcissus above) The visual aids aren't always entirely vital, but they do make things purtier...

2. I need to answer my daily Yahoo! crossword. (Notice my verb use) I am pretty good at it but I cheat in the impossible Sunday editions.


3. I have a frighteningly organized MP3s folder. I have an even more frighteningly organized folder of digital photographs.

4. I can read books upside down (and do so just for the helluvit) That is as long as it is written in a non-italized simple font like Arial or Times New Roman.

5. I am irked by words that have been "tagalogized". I do not mind written or verbal Taglish (Tagaolg+English), heck I am fully pledged endorser of the language hybrid. However, being visually raped by words like "teks" (text), "kyut" (cute) and "dyip" (jeep) can make me climb the nearest high-rise and plummet to my nan-eksistens (non-existence).

6. I am almost always late. There is Filipino time... and there is Alternati time.

7. (aka 6.a) I never wear a watch. I feel like being cuffed to time. I do own a chained timepiece that permanently reads 3 o'clock.

8. I keep "memory shoe-boxes". Mementos range from a Turin shroud old "Most Creative" bookmark my kindergarten teacher gave me to wine corks and shot glasses.

9. I know it's extremely inane, but words like "pianist" (properly pronounced) and "angina" make me mentally giggle.

10. I, like Ernie, like rubber duckies... and I, unlike Bert, dislike pigeons.

11. I personally believe ketchup is a major food group.

12. I collect Playboy bags. Okay, so two doesn't necessarily comprise a "collection" but I plan to increase my supposed collection. The obsession isn't because of anything Hugh Hefner or Anna Nicole Smith (God bless her soul) related. While some people go gaga over the interlaced "L" and "V" logo of affluence, I am drawn to the bunny.


13. I have triskaidekamania.

14. My greatest pet peeve is being asked "Anong balita?". I can't clearly translate it to english... literally it is "News?" or something to that effect. It's somewhere between "How are you doing?" and "Give me a 5 minute long summary of every single thing that has happened in your life since the last time we met". On a good day, I would humor the inquirer. On an extremely horrid day, I sass with a snappish "Last time I checked I am not a news anchor" or a withdrawn and predictable "Nothing much, You?" to turn the tables. I don't particularly enjoy giving a summarized autobiography via SMS or instant message.

15. I have a thing for riddles and mind games. Here's a really cool one I just finished last weekend.

Click here.






Whew! another blog post...
One small step for man, One giant baby step for Alternati.





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Sweeping Virtual Cobwebs

Sunday, July 08, 2007




I ran my index finger across my blog. It left a horizontal line with inch thick settled dust on both sides... gray dust clung to the tip of my finger. It made my prints barely visible. I glanced across the blog, the blinking red light of my answering machine caught my eye. I pressed the button just above the light and a robotic voice announced "You have 43 unanswered comments". I was startled from my thoughts by a rat that crept nonchalantly on my right sidebar. It started gnawing my "June 2007" archives. I clutched my mouse and with Babe Ruth precision, flung it at the disgusting creature. The mouse flew in a perfect arced trajectory. A sharp twang resonated as my mouse's cord reached it's full length. I acted on impulse and it never occurred to me to unplug it from my USB. The mouse recoiled and hit me on the shin as the rat scurried into a hole just beside the Google toolbar. The impact of the mouse on my shin made me stumble backwards, flailing my arms as I crashed helplessly on mildewed boxes of failed blog entry ideas. Although both my shin and my back were throbbing from my fall, the pain never registered on my brain... all my neurons were used up by my eyes as they stared upward to my banner... or what's left of my banner. Cobwebs have covered most of it up. I reach of my virtual broom and start sweeping.


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Sorry for that paragraph long metaphor. I guess blogging isn't like riding a bike. I must've tried a million different ways to start this entry. I tried several versions of a staple highschool homework inspired "What I did on my Summer Blogging Vacation"...

One went:
777 (July 7, 2007) is a monumental date. It won't happen again for another 70 years. I spent half the day in the Induction of Officers of my professional organization and the other half at the office training in a new 3d software the company was integrating... (backspace, backspace, backspace...)

Another went:
So, work has been... (backspace, backspace, backspace...)

I guess any blog entry involving work-related stuff made me cringe, spontaneously combust and hit the backspace key like a manic psychopath with a woodpecker for an index finger.


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I missed blogging. I missed sitting in front of my laptop with a cup of brewed coffee and an ashtray on my left, my baseball... rat deterrent... mouse on my right. Happily typing away my thoughts during the day and reading other bloggers' thoughts during the day. Reading comments and commenting. My forced hiatus made me make a mental list of the reasons why I like blogging:

1. It is therapeutic.
2. It helps you to purge thoughts. It is a productive way of releasing anxiety, glee, anger, wrath, etc. aka a saner version of "looking at the sky, beating your chest and screaming at the top of your lungs".
3. It is extremely enlightening and enriching because it gives you backstage passes into the brains of relatively anonymous people. Where else can you read the thoughts of a journalists, TV writers, people living abroad, filipinos living abroad, medical students, teenagers, moms, dads, single women, single men, tennis fanatics, TV buffs, and every other unique individual in between you would otherwise never get to know on a daily/ bi-weekly basis?
4. It is a global database of bloggers' thoughts, memories and rants.
5. It keeps you informed about current events... anything from the trivial to the momentous.
6. It sort of chronicles your life or at least thoughts about your life.
7. It is never boring.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.


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I have yet to get my blogging mojo back... But one thing's for sure, I am (please, please forgive me for this Take That reference) Back for Good.






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We interrupt this show for a special update...

Sunday, July 01, 2007



(Technically, there is nothing here to interrupt...)



Yes, I am still alive and relatively well. Work and personal stuff have been keeping me from blogging, I miss my weekly (sometimes twice ((even thrice!)) a week) dose of blog reads.


We will return to our regular telecast the coming weekend.




For the mean time, let us all sing...

"Makulay! Ang buhay... sa sinabawang gulay"
(Life is colorful... with vegetable broth)




Things aren't as funny when translated...





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Moving Day
golB eht dniheB ecaF
Read! Read! Read!
Escapism
Paper
Dental Black?
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Baby Steps
Sweeping Virtual Cobwebs
We interrupt this show for a special update...


June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
December 2007





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