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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

13 Fathers' Day Gift Ideas

Saturday, June 16, 2007

(This post, like a woman reaching for a pregnancy test, is 3 days late)

I am always seriously flummoxed when it comes to giving my dad a gift. Hypercritical gift picking can be a pain. There is a nagging voice in my head that constantly says things like... "You gave him that three birthdays ago", "Sure... he can use ANOTHER (insert typical fathers' day gift here)", "A shirt in that color? Seriously?".

I believe it is generally harder to think of a gift for a male recipient. This may be because a greater percentage of all advertising and marketing is focused on a female demographic. One can simply drop by a Bodyshop (against animal testing) or a bookstore or any department store, and the matter of picking a gift becomes a problem of picking which one?

Giving a "masculine" gift is a painstaking task, giving a gift to one's dad may be easy at first, but once the "possible gifts for Dad" list runs out (and it will), the endeavor becomes near impossible.

I've been contemplating what to give my dad, and as always, I turn to TV for ideas.

If my dad was:
Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "anything edible" and it'll please this lovable white collar "d'oh!"-ing dad.

#1 Gift: Doughnuts!

Duff beer, that hair grower on the cable shopping network, an electric shaver, collared shirts in technicolor, gift certificate for anger management classes, a gift certificate from West Coast Customs for a "pimped" car, a Bart tether so he can strangle Bart without getting calluses... all he gotta do is say "Why you little..."

If my dad was:
Keith Mars
Veronica Mars

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "007" and it'll please this witty, street smart, a little bit overprotective dad.

#1 Gift: An Aston Martin!

A Batman utility belt, that hair grower on the cable shopping network, one year GPS subscription to track offspring, a certified private eye trench coat, the file cabinet I won 7 or so posts ago, an original copy of The Maltese Falcon, a lifetime supply of fountain pens with bugs.

If my dad was:
Jack Bristow

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "anything non-Rimbaldi" and it'll please this emotionally retarded but extremely endearing dad

#1 Gift: An Office Building half the size of the Pentagon!

More black suits, more ties to go with the black suits, a grand piano, a lifetime supply of multi-aliased passports, yoga classes, a torture chamber, a cabbage patch kid, a psychologist (preferably Tracy from Ally Mcbeal)

If my dad was:
Frank Barone
Everybody Loves Raymond

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "republican" and it'll please this crass yet at time surprisingly sweet dad.

#1 Gift: A Carribean Vacation (without Marie)

Vinyl jazz records, a turntable to play them, plaid shirts, an EZ chair, a TV (showing only sports) for his bedroom, a mini-fridge with mini-alcohol similar to those you see in a hotel,

If my dad was:
Darth Vader
Star Wars

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "cosmic destruction" and it'll please this patent leather clad, James Earl Jones-voiced dad

#1 Gift: A Synthetic right hand!

Another death star, a yellow light saber (yellow looks good against black), a voice modulator with a range from a sexy low Barry White singing voice to a high Karen Walker shriek, ewok stew, roasted ewok, adobong ewok, etc.

If my dad was:
Michael Bluth
Arrested Development

(I'd probably shake him to reality first... why oh why would you name your son George Michael?! anywho...)
...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "anything away from the other Bluths" and it'll please this responsible yet often insanely oblivious dad.

#1 Gift: A Banana-Stand business

Two one-way plane tickets to Timbuktu, massive amounts of therapy, a vehicle with stairs used for airplanes.

If my dad was:
Hal Wilkerson
Malcolm in the Middle

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "what would a five year old love" and it'll please this uniquely kooky dad.

#1 Gift: An Asphalt Roller!

A better job, pancakes, an Xbox, Marvel comic books, all the materials and machinery he needs to make his dream "killer robot", a plasma TV with all the channels in the entire known universe, a bedroom jacuzzi.

If my dad was:
Atticus Finch
To Kill a Mockingbird

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "just and honorable" and it'll please my favorite father from literature.

#1 Gift: The Chance to witness the Emancipation

A state of the art hunting rifle, a lifetime babysitting service (no offense to Calpurnia), A kick-ass attache case (or whatever it was lawyers put their papers in in the 1930's) A sanctuary for mockingbirds (Blue jays optional)

If my dad was:
Finding Nemo

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "marine" and it'll please this overprotective clownfish dad.

#1 Gift: Sea Anemone!

Opposable thumbs, a deluxe condo unit on prime soft coral real estate, a death sentence on all electric eels, a death sentence on all jellyfish, a death sentence on all sea gulls that say "mine, mine, mine", a no-fish policy on all dentist nieces.

If my dad was:
Mr. (Noah) Bennet

...there'd probably be no problem at all (well I wouldn't be too fond of him). Think "Save the Cheerleader" and it'll please this cleft chinned adoptive dad.

#1 Gift: More Horn-Rimmed Glasses!

A sense of humor, his own Primatech Paper Company franchise, his own supernatural power like say the ability to get away with wearing horn-rimmed glasses!

If my dad was:
Martin Crane

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "no psychiatry" and it'll please this wise and down-to-earth dad.

#1 Gift: A titanium cane!

Ballantine beer, A personal veterinarian for his dog Eddie, action movie DVDs of the Van Damme (ullk) and Steven Seagal (double ullk) variety. And never, ever, ever even entertain the slightest thought of replacing his favorite old recliner.

If my dad was:
Tony Soprano
The Sopranos

...there'd probably be no problem at all (Ok I'd be scared shitless). Think "Vito Corleone" and it'll please this really complex dad.

#1 Gift: Resurrecting Pie-O-My

Confidentiality of his therapy sessions (offense means death by body of water and huge rock tied to ankles), A Pink Floyd version of Alabama 3's "Woke up this Morning", a DVD box set of all war documentaries ever made, A dream catcher.

If my dad was:
Jim's Dad
American Pie

...there'd probably be no problem at all. Think "home made apple pie" and it'll please this geeky but nonetheless lovable dad.

#1 Gift: A "Birds and the Bees" Guidebook

A head to toe makeover by Steven Cojocaru, an eyebrow tweezing, A date with Stifler's mom.

I am still no closer to a gift for my dad. *sigh*, All this gift thinking for fictional dads only left me frazzled. Oh well...

Happy Fathers' Day to all Dads!

Mine is the best!
...hence, my obsession over the perfect gift.


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posted by Alternati, 1:00 AM

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