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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sunday, July 15, 2007

There is one mystery that is more interesting than UFOs and crop circles. One mystery that has puzzled mankind more than Stonehenge or the Pyramids of Giza. A single mystery that makes Bigfoot a pathetic fur ball, the Abominable Snowman a freezing fur ball, and the Bermuda Triangle a mere polygon. One unexplained phenomena that makes the question "What is the purpose of our existence?" seem trite...

Where do missing socks go?
(Sung ala the cocaine diva)

This enigma is the David Blaine of mysteries. Not that it supposedly lived in an igloo for a week, not that it was supposedly buried alive and not that it supposedly stood on some ginormous pillar for a couple of days. It's an in your face enigma unlike the David Copperfield (the magician) infamy of say the Loch Ness monster.
Art by: SamGaw

Abstract: No matter how cautious you are, a sock (or several socks) will, without an iota of doubt, get lost in laundry translation.

With 20-something years of experience and a handy Google toolbar, several theories have shed some light on the question.

ONE: The Sock Burglar
Not as infamous as the hamburglar. The actual reason for his going all Ocean's 11 12 13 on our socks remains as big a mystery as how and when he performs his "looting". Some say it's a compulsion, others say it's a creepy collection. However, several distinguished missing sock theorists have narrowed the sock thievery down to the possibility of a future human society with socks as currency.

Art by: Method from worth1000

TWO: The Sock Fairy
Not as infamous as the Tooth Fairy. Like the Tooth Fairy, the Sock Fairy enters human residences at night and collects socks... However, unlike the Tooth Fairy, the bastard is insanely cheap.
Art by: amazing cartoonist Chris Appelhans

THREE: Abduction
This is a theory I have been working on. With the recent astronomers' mutiny against Pluto, irate Plutonians have resorted to abducting socks by bulk, transporting them and affixing the knitted footwear to their planets with super glue in the vain hope that an increase in the mass of their "dwarf" planet can make astronomers reconsider their reinstitution into planethood.

Art by: Leanne Wildermuth

FOUR: The Borrowers
Mythical tiny people that borrow things from people. The extremely discreet race was first documented by Mary Norton. They probably use socks as sleeping bags or something.

FIVE: Puppethood
Lamb Chop inspired socks to go to Hollywood or run for office.

Art from: outsidecat

SIX: Washing Machine Vortex
With all that spinning inside the machine, some socks are bound to find a rip in the space-time continuum. Quantum Mechanics (*yawn*) has been used to explain the possibility of this phenomena. Read here (*yawn*) for more... including equations like:
Nt =N0*exp(-pt) (1)

SEVEN: Evolution
Where is Darwin when I need him...

Photo from: tamara

EIGHT: Animation
"On the eight day, man created socks out of his own image and likeness..."

Art from: Laughing Squid

NINE: Backpacking
"... and once the socks had been given legs and a passport, they traveled to Paris, New York and the Bahamas"

Art by: jaymeekae from worth1000

TEN: Cannibalism
In 9 out of 10 documented cases, only one sock goes missing. Sociologists have often theorized that socks are cannibalistic by nature. In every sock pairing, one is considered "dominant". Ergo, while in a hamper or while spinning inside a dryer, the dominant sock devours it's partner similar to a praying mantis after mating.

ELEVEN: Evaporation
It is a little known fact that socks evaporate. And once every 3.1415 years, they come back in the form of precipitation.

Art by: Randy Glasbergen

TWELVE: Like Homework...
"My dog ate it"

Art from: HeatherPreuss

THIRTEEN: Private Investigation
Missing socks need to be found, and the sock community has long been fed up by the futility of the human race. They have decided to put matters into their own hands. The emergence of Sock P.I.'s like Terrence M. Cotton has brought renewed hope in finding the missing socks.

Art by: The Lady from Sockholm
(One of the funniest sock related sites I've seen)

"Never put a sock in a toaster."
- Eddie Izzard -



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