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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

The Neanderthal Was Right the First Time

Monday, July 31, 2006



My two week vacation officially ended approximately five hours ago. No more hanging out with friends in the afternoon, No more Late Night with Conan O'Brien, No more sleeping until lunch, No more free time... again. Instead, I'm in front of my office computer again, designing plans and site developments for a new condominium project. This is, if I'm not mistaken, the third condominium project we've handled in the last two months. Condominium Ad Nauseam. Back again in the same mundane routine of a blue collar drone. It raises the eternal procrastinator question... Why do we need to work?



Origin of the Working Class Species

I was mulling over this while I was computing the number of parking slots for the condo. I came to the conclusion that "work" started when some short-sighted nomad (let's call him Caveman) stopped moving from one cave to another and thought... "Hmmm... Will this thing grow if I plant it?" Other nomads soon followed suit when they saw Caveman tilling soil and decorating his newly-owned cave with images of his other food source, hunting. I have minimal knowledge of anthropology, but I believe that work started when man invented hunting and agriculture.



Caveman Discovers the Wheel and Fortune.

Caveman felt bored. He was fed up with their deer BBQ's, swimming in the lake and his stinky cave. He went out and followed the path to his favorite crag. Caveman accidentally trips over a rock. Missing a tooth and his nose bleeding, he gave the rock a furious kick. To his surprise, the rock moved a whole inch. He shouted "Caveman, invent wheel!" and rolled his invention back to his cave. His neighbors got very curious with his new device and ordered some on www.cavemanscustomizedrockwheels.com, this is how Caveman made his first million. He made wheels for a living and was finally able to buy the Two-storey rent-controlled cave with a view of the ocean he always wanted.



Caveman Discovers Country Clubland

One weekend, Caveman started travelling. He heard of this land across the River of Exclusivity. According to his neighbor, this land had an olympic sized swimming pool, champagne at lunch and all his favorite sports: golf, tennis, and baseball! Caveman decided to see for himself. After paying the toll at the I-know-a-member Bridge, He found himself in Country Clubland. It was as he expected, even more. He was about to enter its 24 karat gold gates when a strangely clad man named "Enriquez" asked him to show his membership card. Caveman looked at him quizically. Enriquez' brother explained to him that he needed to buy a membership in order for him to enter Country Clubland. When he was told how much, he made a quick mental computation. "Ok, Caveman come back in 15 years, I'll have the money by then". So he went home and added another branch to his rock wheel business.



Caveman Discovers Dating

On a typical Wednesday at the office, Caveman met Cavewoman. Cavewoman was a from a well off mining family. She was from a long line of gold diggers. Cavewoman strolled over to Caveman in her leopard print venus-cut dress. She smiled showing off her one good tooth, and he fell in love. Caveman gave everything Cavewoman wanted. On one of their dates, Cavewoman talked of her bum ex-boyfriends who played PS2 all day. She wanted security, She wanted luxury, She wanted Caveman. So Caveman, being a 40-year old virgin, gave everything she wanted. He thought, I can always add another branch and still make Country Clubland membership in 15 years.



Caveman's Girlfriend Discovers Insecurity

Cavewoman was enjoying raw lion meat one afternoon as she strolled barefoot on the sands of Bulimia Beach. She nearly dropped a good piece of leg when her old high school friends, Paris and Hilton bumped into her. Paris and Hilton gave Cavewoman a "I'm sorry you look like that" look then giggled all the way back to their beach front hotel. Cavewoman cried all the way to Caveman's apartment. She spent all night online, looking for Insta-thin products, and signing up for liposuction. Of course caveman paid for all of these. They got engaged just a couple of days ago. He thought "The village at Mount Suburbia might need a rock wheel supply shop".



Caveman Discovers Human Resources


When Caveman went to Mount Suburbia to establish a new CCRW (Caveman's Customized Rock Wheels), he saw how eager these people where. They were flocking around the construction of his new mud hut emporium. He thought... "These people are so Paleozoic Era." A mountain man approached him and asked if he needed help looking for employees. "Employees?" Caveman queried. "Yes, people to work for you." The man replied. "We can make people do that? then yes! sure" Caveman said ecstatically. The man introduced himself "I'm Brown-nose, I have a B.A. from Kiss-ass University" This is how CCRW became CCRW, Inc. Caveman's manicures lasted a lot longer now, having his employees do the rock chiselling for him. He thought he would have less work when he had people working for him... but Alas! He worked twice as hard to manage the now 15 CCRW branches. Life was hard and Cavewoman is pregnant with their fifth cavebaby.



Caveman Discovers Gravity

It was National Neanderthal Day. The only holiday in the Mesozoic Era. Caveman felt numb from work, and his ears felt numb from Cavewoman's nagging. He decided to spend the day alone. He was walking, hands in the pockets of his loin cloth. He came across familiar trees and paths. He accidentally found himself in his first cave. He saw the first rock wheel he made, his first corn garden, his first wall paintings. He felt a sudden urge to go to his favorite crag, he hasn't been there in 15 years (and he still wasn't a Country Clubland member). Caveman looked at the old part of Neanderthalland. It was magnificent. He hadn't time for anything since he started working. He was at the brink of crying when something fell on his head. An Apple. For the first time in a long time, his head was without thoughts. He felt very calm. His last thoughts before he fell asleep were "I discovered gravity" Caveman's first rule of gravity: Lying down is way better than standing up.


All these "Me Caveman" comic strips were drawn by the talented Tayyar Ozkan. They were the inspiration for my ramblings/ bedtime story. Visit his website at:
www.tayyarozkan.com

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