Will tagged me with an "I never" meme. It's basically writing ten things you'd never do.

At first I thought the meme was like the "I never" drinking game (someone says a statement starting with "I never..." and whoever hasn't done it drinks a shot of the alcohol of choice... preferably tequilla) I never really got drunk when we played this. I've always believed in trying anything at least once (well everything except dog meat)

Hence, my mental list of things I'd never do border on absurd and/or amoral (killing someone with a dull samurai, coal mining, wearing spandex, getting a Winnie the Pooh tattoo, sticking chopsticks into my eyes, getting a gym membership, swandiving from Taipei 101, etc etc etc)

So instead of enumerating things noone in their right mind would ever do, I'm listing the 10 things I can't do:

1. I can't whistle. I know I'm pathetic. Try being a five year old watching Snow white and the Seven Dwarfs, discovering you can't do a basic human skill when they start singing Whistle While you Work... It's devastating.
2. I can't swim. If living in Baguio has any disadvantage, it's the absence of a beach. Many Baguio residents like me are born anchors. Buoyancy eludes us. But we do try... "Alternati Greenleaf long under tree, In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea! If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore, Thy heart shall rest in the forest no more."
3. I can't play the piano. Something is haywire between my brain hemispheres. The Piano: I can read notes... I can play the piano with my right hand... and my left... combine them together and what do you get? the sound of a cat running across the keys.
   
4. I can't play the guitar. I look like I'm having seizures when I do try to do any chord requiring a bar. Those who can't, collect and admire.
   
5. I can't keep a pet alive for more than a month. Don't worry I never really owned a four legged critter, just a number of aquarium fishes and an imaginary hippo.
   
6. I can't write with my left hand. Ambidexterity has become a frustration since I saw The Wisdom of Crocodiles.
7. I can't keep a written journal. Stacks of journals occupy one of my storage spaces. Each has a maximum of 20 entries... the time intervals between entries occur in a geometric progression to infinity. Thank gawd for blogging!
   
8. I can't drive alone (yet) I'm a big scaredy cat behind the wheel... especially when I'm infront of a semi or a Philex Peter Belt.
9. (Addenda to #8) I can't go from one place to another without consulting a map or asking a gazillion "Where is..."s and "Enshuldigung, Is this the way to..."s. Like 3rdwill, road signs appear to be written in hieroglyphics and directions in cuneiform.
10. I can't shoot a basketball even if the fate of the world depended on it. (Go Mavs!)

Nothing like a list of your incapabilities to boost self esteem! "Soy un Perdedor... I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me..."


The tag ends here. I can't get Beck's song out of my head now...

Labels: boo-freakin-hoo, list-o-rama, memes