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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

There is No "i" in Giving...

Sunday, December 24, 2006



Bonus roasting on an open mall sale
The smell of fruitcake yanking at your nose
The price of kid's toys that make you turn pale
And folks eat 'til they weigh like rhinoes

Everybody knows, 8 hours of sleep and a 13th month pay
Help to make the season fun
Tired peons with their eyes all aglow
Won't find it hard to sleep 'til one (PM)

They know that free time's on its way
It's loaded lots of lazy hours on it's sleigh
And everybody's pants are gonna try
to see if they'll still fit with a zipped fly

The glorious days of non-work are finally here. I am getting all teary eyed just thinking of all the shut-eye and uninhibited lazing in bed I'm compelled to do.

We had the office Christmas Dinner last Thursday night and an encore lunch Friday. The compulsory Kris Kringle turned out to be really fun. One needs to jazz these things up to prevent a purchase of a one way ticket to boresville. We did the "wish list" format this year. The basic idea is to think of a gift you want (within the budgetary stipulations) and an alias. Mine was "Dumpling" inspired by Mikey from Queer as Folk. You draw from a hat the gift you're giving and an alias to whom you're gonna give it to. The fun part is guessing who's getting what you wrapped and the convenient part is not thinking of what gift to give, which let's face it, is one of the toughest things to do.

My Friday afternoon (thru night, thru early morning) was spent attempting to cross out every name on my hitlist, err... shopping list. It was a pretty successful undertaking with my dear friend, Ems. We have this holiday-rush-tradition, both of us are vying to be "The Tardiest Person in the Planet". By the time the mall was closing, I only had one unchecked person on my list, my feet were about to fall off, my pockets were a whole lot lighter, and I had a gazillion bags that weighed a ton in my hands. I stole a taxi cab from an older gentleman on the way home. I was more than willing to do the whole taxi war cha cha cha, but my feet and arms were just not up for it.


I still however managed to muster the strength to wrap. I may whine about the general phoniness of this holiday and I may love receiving a lot more than I do giving, but I absolutely, without reservation love, love, love, wrapping presents. I account this to the transience of a wrapper's life. It takes forever to cut, fold, tape, etc... but it only takes a simple ripping motion to lacerate the wrapper and make the entrails gift come out.

For every gift Ems and I bought for someone, we bought a corresponding one for ourselves. We believe in fairness and equality.


Some of the ones I can publicly announce include:
  1. One of my annual new pillow. I believe sleep is an art form.
  2. An orange bag. Nothing like a pumpkin colored mailman bag to draw the attention of trick or treaters.
  3. Some badass shades to go with the orange bag.
  4. Horton Hatches the Egg. Yes this is for me. Dr Seuss is one of my fave writers.
  5. A collection of cartoons from The Newyorker
  6. A couple of second hand books: One by Faulkner, one by Golding.
  7. One of those "quilted" jackets that covers up body flabs with artificial ones.
  8. A stuffed pig to remind me to stay away from complex carbohydrates
  9. A Lucky Shirt.

We believe in that "You can't love others if you don't love yourself" adage very deeply. If I can impart a simple tip for boosting your ego and satiating all your senses... Don't forget to buy a gift (or more) for yourself. Narcissus may have drowned in his own reflection, but unlike Atlas, he could tie his shoelaces without the heavens falling.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92

Although it's been said many times many ways
Merry Christmas
to you... (yes you.)

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posted by Alternati, 3:40 AM
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Joseph Barbera (1911-2006)
Godparenthood
13 Dinner Guests
Dude, Where's Your Dogsled?
Bah Humbug.
Taxi War
Alternati, Heal Thyself
Retail Therapy
4+8+15+16+23+42=
Crabs


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