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Sarcasm Aside

random thoughts of a self-diagnosed neurotic with the attention span of a five-year old... a blog by Alternati

Bah Humbug.

Friday, December 08, 2006

I can think of only two infamous Christmas villains. The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge. Well, they aren't even technically villains, they just... during the early parts of their biographies... hate Christmas. They have entered our lexicon and any anti-yuletide energy you emit gives you the label of "scrooge" or "grinch" or "heartless, joyless, psycho-b*tch/ assh*le (use according to apparent gender)

You can't blame the Grinch for hating Christmas:
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right. (a shrink)
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. (a Hushpuppies retailer)
But I think that the most likely reason of all (a statistician)
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. (a cardiologist)
It's anatomical. Would you blame a short fellow for hating basketball, or a tall fellow for hating hobbit-houses? I've always loved the Grinch, his vomit-green fur, his voice done by Boris Karloff (most famous for voicing the original Frankenstein), his couture or lack thereof... of course I'm referring to the 1966 cartoon which has been as much a part of my Christmases as queso de bola. I like Jim Carrey, but that Grinch adaptation he did just sucked. Kudos to the make-up and prosthetics... "Damn you" for adding to/altering the storyline.

I think the Grinch blew it when he "stole". The eighth (spelling?) commandment applies in Whoville... and the punishment is far worse than the seventh circle of hell, it's having your heart grow three sizes bigger and having thoughts like:
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. (commercialism)
"Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!" (more commercialism?)

Ebenezer Scrooge. Poor guy, Charles Dickens succeeded in eternally associating his name with greed and malice. The billions of adaptations of A Christmas Carol agree in typifying Scrooge as an old man wearing a night gown with a night cap, round eyeglasses and is either counting piles of coins or screaming his head off holding a gas-lit lamp. This is the worst smear campaign in the history of 19th century literature! Only Dickens can transform a wise, savvy, frugal, obviously accounting-knowledgeable business man into a scared senior citizen defined by "selfishness" and "avarice". Mud-slinging Dickens... tsk tsk tsk.

He doesn't stop with the obvious libel. Dickens went as far as sending three "ghosts". We all know what these "ghosts" are. Nameless meddling spawns of Dickens: Agent Past, Agent Present and Agent Future. They, through deceit and trickery, convince Scrooge to give the money HE earned to charity. Talk about taking advantage of a poor old man with a semi-honest living! I have consulted my lawyer and he says that tombstone Agent Future showed you Mr. Scrooge is undoubtedly a death threat.

To deliver the final nail on the coffin... the plaintiff calls "Tiny Tim". The defendant, Ebenezer Scrooge, looks despondent as a 10-year old boy supported by a crutch accessorized by a nasty phlegmy cough takes the witness stand. Mr. Scrooge's attorney walks toward the stand:
"Tiny Tim, if that IS your real name," queried the attorney.
"Oh yes dear sir," Tim replied
"Tiny Tim of the Korean Mafia???," the attorney bellowed, several loud clanks from the audience as jaws dropped.
Tim looked nervously at the plaintiff.
"It says here according to your medical records that you recently had some adamantium infused into your tibula, femur and fibula!"... more clanking jaws.
Tim mumbled "I... I... I... femur?"
"Yes your leg bone "Tiny Tim"!," the attorney motioning quotation marks with his hands. The attorney swipes the crutch.
"Lo and Behold! he stands!!! No further questions your honor!" Audience clapping.

The plaintiff rises and asks Tiny Tim... "Is there anything you wanna say?"
Tiny Tim obviously rattled raised his hands, smiled and with teary eyes said "God Bless us, everyone!"
The audience oohed and aahed. Ebenezer was sentenced with two life sentences in a high security prison where he has to spend Christmas everyday with the thief Grinch and the Easter Bunny. No Bail. A million lit parols but No Parole.

He didn't stand a chance with the conniving skills of Dickens and the little boy.

It would take more than the entire Who-ville singing Christmas carols around a disheveled tree, three "ghosts" and Tiny Tim to silence my inner Grinch/Stooge.

17 days to no work, lots of food and sleep and presents aka Christmas! Whoopdeefreakingdoo!

Inspirational Christmas quote for the day:
Fame always brings loneliness. Success is as ice cold and lonely as the North Pole.
- Vicky Baum

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posted by Alternati, 3:36 PM

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